Happy Tuesday, everybody. Happy Tuesday. Especially my fellow late night hosts or what’s left of them. James Corden is on his way back to England, but the rest of them are all shut down because their writers are on strike. And that’s one sure way to make those shows funnier. Who knew they had writers? That’s like finding out Brian Stelter had a personal trainer. But on Gutfeld, my writers don’t strike – I strike the writers.
And that was for writing a good joke. Anyway, the only collective bargaining around here is which one gets to shave my back. Yes, but there’s big news out of Batesville, Arkansas, this week. That has to be the first time anybody ever said that, but Hunter Biden is finally appearing in court over a contentious child support battle. The baby’s mom has been fighting to keep her payments at 20 grand per month, which is hard to keep in a G-string. And Hunter wants that reduced. And I don’t blame him. All those foreign energy jobs for unqualified crack addicts have since dried up. But someone’s got to take care of that kid because according to her, MIA grandpa, there’s no such thing as someone else’s child.
PRESIDENT BIDEN: There is no such thing as someone else’s child. No such thing as someone else’s child. Our nation’s children are all our children.
Well, that explains why he never asks parents if he could sniff their kid’s hair. That scalp belongs to everyone. I think that was John Wayne Gacy’s high school yearbook quote. I know it’s too far.
Yet Joe keeps on ignoring his grandkid. He’s pretending she doesn’t exist so much it’s starting to make Kamala jealous. And Hunter claims the reason why he denied being the dad was because he can’t remember the sex – since he was having so much of it with so many partners. Dude, now’s not the time to brag. It’s like when Bernie Sanders forgets how many homes he has.
Worse, Hunter doesn’t even want to give the tot his last name. But at this point, why would anybody want the Biden name? It’s more sullied than Joe’s Depends after Mexican night at the nursing home cafeteria and I’ve been there. They should just change it to a name with less baggage, you know, like Cosby.
Of course, it’s no secret. Hunter pocketed millions from shady foreign deals and cushy board positions. But now his lawyers argue that he’s got nothing. Yeah, I guess Hunter must be paying the lawyers in White House silverware. He wanted to sell his blood, but how safe is that? I’d rather get a transfusion from raw poultry.
But apparently he has no salary. His Porsche was repossessed and he’s forced to sleep on a cot in his father’s room on that trip to Dublin. A cot? What is the president booking Motel Sixes? I hope Hunter brought quarters for the vibrating bed. And Hunter’s only income right now is from his crappy, expensive art he’s selling to well-heeled, powerful buyers with absolutely no political connections whatsoever. Right now, there’s a filthy rich businessman in Beijing taking a dump in one of his eight bathrooms, staring at a half million dollar painting that resembles a placemat speckled with Skittle vomit. Sounds pretty good, actually.
By the way, those buyers names are kept under lock and key. Apparently, they’re more important to Joe than classified documents. Well, look, you know, how Hunter could make ends meet – pretend the baby is a coke habit. You seem to have no problem finding cash for that.
Anyway, the judge ordering both sides to turn over their finances, something Hunter fought hard against. And he’ll have to appear in-person at all future court dates. Worse, the judge says he has to wear pants.
So leave it to a baby mama to finally take Hunter and the Bidens down, because the feds certainly aren’t doing it. Which leads us to that infamous laptop later that conveniently popped up right before the last election. The one signed by more than 50 intel officers, a.k.a. lying sacks of **** who said the laptop was Russian disinfo. Secretary of State Antony Blinken was a Biden campaign adviser at the time and is alleged to have been the mastermind. But on Special Report, he denied it because one of the great benefits of his job is that he doesn’t do politics.
ANTONY BLINKEN: One of the great benefits of this job is that I don’t do politics and don’t engage in it. But with regard to that letter, I didn’t – wasn’t my idea. Didn’t ask for it, didn’t solicit it.
A campaign adviser is that weird job for someone who doesn’t do politics? I mean, that’s like when I wore a G-string to a bachelorette party, but I wasn’t the stripper. In fact, it’s just like that. But look, Hunter’s personal sexual habits aren’t my concern. Sleep with all the hookers and strippers you want. That was my mom’s advice when I turned 15. But your dad should stop lecturing us on compassion, tolerance, and caring for other people’s brats when he can’t do it himself. Right, Joe?
JOE BIDEN IMPERSONATOR: No, no, no. Look, look. Compassion. Come on. I mean, but you got to have some compassion for Hunter, too. I mean, the kid likes strippers. What can I say? But 20 grand a month, That’s too much. I mean, what do they get for one of those lap dances? $20. I should have to do 33.3 dances a day, seven days a week. I mean, that’s too much for a single man. Um, but I don’t know what Hunter likes about these dances anyway. I’d rather have you just sit on my lap and let me chew on your ponytail.